Anyways, I was going through my stuff and found this notebook that I used to keep back in the day when I started this blog and it was a religious activity to update it regularly(things have changed since then, I can tell you noticed )

So I found this post that I had intended  to post and for some reason(that I’d rather not say) it didn’t quite find its way on here.

Reading through it made me a lil nostalgic and to tell you the truth I was (and still am) quite surprised  and the real question in my head went something like “Did I write that? ” wondering what was going through my mind at the time and what provoked it. It is not award-winning or anything but I’m sure someone can relate to it.

Its been three or so years since I wrote and things always look better in hindsight, but it does seem I WAS wiser then.

Enough with the chit-chat, here it is

PATIENT ENOUGH

It takes the last nerve waiting for something that doesn’t have a definite arrival date,

Discipline, strategy,self-control…

Sometimes, after sometime, a long time

alternatives start to look very attractive

Not giving up

but using other(not so suitable) means as a substitute

As much as we were willing to wait in the first place

it ceases to be an option 

and we have to face the consequences

or

Choose to go back to the ‘right track’

A path that seems we left in the past

A long past

Leaving the past, where it is

May not apply now

Because it is there that we find it

‘The way’

Seems like maybe we were wiser

When we were younger

or maybe just taking the experience as a lesson

which takes us back to 

“Be patient !”

or

never

I have been here

waiting for you

I don’t know why

but its like some code

embedded in me

like a big part of my destiny

And I have no idea why

but the future seems

impossible.

like a definite

I have tried countless times

and succeeded a few

To convince myself…and others

but still I wait

and I don’t know why

I have asked a million times

what the point is

and still have found no answer

but still I wait

impatiently

why?

So now I am a 24-year-old with braces.

My real smile generally looks like this (Well which is what I have as my all important Facebook cover photo)

But is in fact like this.

You see I have what they call an open bite which looks like the pic above(which is really not me but you get the idea.). Which has seriously got me thinking about what dentists and orthodontists look at the whole day, this is one career you really need to be sure to get into.

So here I was thinking I would be one of the few 20+ year olds getting braces, I couldn’t be more wrong. There’s like hundreds of us. I’ve actually spotted quite a number in town and this got me thinking about finding out what the 20+ year old brace faces community online had to say. We actually had/have a lot in common when it comes to the braces experience.

They might look cute after they’ve been put in but trust me the process is anything but. For myself the process started with spacers. They were used to create spaces in between my teeth so that the molar bands would fit thus the name. Talk about uncomfortable. It’s like having something in between your teeth that you know you can’t remove!

I had them on for 48 hours(approximately) before they were removed and then I had the real process done. Well , to say the least the first 72 hours after that, was pure pain. Not to say that my chewing capabilities were impaired and I had to eat mashed food! I never though chewing was that important until I couldn’t taste my food and let’s not forget food sticking  onto the brackets.

It felt like my mouth needed some expansion programme…The pain when brushing was unbearable, my lips actually got burned(I’ve just started to get the feeling back) and my lisping is now worse, like a hundred times worse. and oh yes…unconsciously making faces at people because I was trying to adjust the braces in  my mouth (as if that was possible, ha!)

But now, a month later, I’m used to them. Turns out the worst part is the first couple of weeks,although I am still lisping and I am told that there could be a possible extraction, something I definitely not happy about. I’m also enjoying the looks on people’s faces when they meet me in person and I look nothing like my Facebook photo! especially those I haven’t seen in a couple of years or more. And let’s not even get to the pounds I have piled on this last year.

I can’t wait to see what I look like in a couple of years when I get them(the braces) off.

I have a doctor’s appointment in a week and I’ll keep you updated on my progress

I’d just moved out of my parents house and had started on a new job…didn’t think things like furniture would be that important(ha!)

On the bright side, It looks like I’ve done a whole lot of growing up.

What’s funnier(or just plain sad) is I’m still at the same place….waiting….

So here we go….

I don’t have everything I’ve always wanted
But..
I’m done with High School,
Even College,
I have moved out of the parents house,
Have my own furniture,
HAVE lost weight…
Have a job,
manage my own finances(mostly),

And yet I’m still waiting for my life to start…

waiting
For me to get a “better job”,
For that guy to come and sweep me off my feet,
For my (imaginary) career in —— to take off,
For me to travel to that city I have always wanted to go to,
To learn how to play that instrument or game,
To make those new friends,
For all my dreams to come true!
For me to be happy.

but now…

maybe I will
maybe I should stop
waiting

Coz now

I’m ready to start.

So I won’t let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won’t ask you, you to just desert me
I can’t give you, what you think you give me
It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables

Under haunted skies I see you, ooh
Where love is lost, your ghost is found
I braved a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no I will never be knocked down

I can’t keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can’t breathe

So I won’t let you close enough to hurt me, no
I won’t ask you, you to just desert me
I can’t give you, what you think you give me
It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables
Turning tables

Next time I’ll be braver
I’ll be my own savior
When the thunder calls for me
Next time I’ll be braver
I’ll be my own savior
Standing on my own two feet

I won’t let you close enough to hurt me, no
I won’t ask you, you to just desert me
I can’t give you, what you think you give me
It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables
Turning tables

To a place where I can live

My own life

Define my own destiny

Learn what I want, all that I want

.

I want to pack up and go

To a place where I can cry

Relieve my pain

Be my own self

Be what I want, all that I want

.

I want to pack up and go

To a place where I can connect

Let everything go

Let someone know me

Know what I want, all that I want

.

I want to pack up and go

To a place where I have no expectations

From any quarters

Be who I am

Know what I am, all that I am

.

I want to pack up and go

To  a place where I can laugh

Genuine, hearty chuckle

Let the ice break

…and be

just be.

You know much like expecting gifts and a happy family round the tree on Christmas, you know all that mushy cr*p

You’d think that with every year, I’d learn my lesson and stop disappointing myself on birthdays or any other holiday for that matter. Please don’t misunderstand my family. I love them to death, but the whole touchy ,feely, smiley family is just not us.

And for my friends, let’s not even go there …

Anyway, so the digit on my age goes up another number today and I think its time I stopped believing and expecting what I see in the media and having an unrealistic expectation of people, or expecting it to be a day filled with unlimited happiness

Instead today I celebrate myself. Its another year and I cant wait to see what it has for me.

Happy Birthday me!

more thoughts on previous birthdays here

Every single time I fail, get heart broken, fall etc etc, that’s the cycle. Pick up the pieces and move on right?

Well not anymore. I choose to move on but not with the pieces. I’d rather live with parts missing than keep doing the same thing over and over, and expecting things to be different. If anything, that is the very definition of insanity.

I’m tired of going back to where I made the mistake, fixing it and move along just to get hit again.

I know failing and problems in this life are guaranteed but I’ll be damned if I keep thinking that correcting my mistakes will get me the life I want.

and that’s where I’m goin to start. Nothing will get me what I want. No one will either. Just gotta roll with the punches, make of life what it gives me. It hardly ever that I’ll get my way, if ever, but I will stop complaining and expecting things to be different. Instead, I’ll take this life as it comes…